Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in srunner2's LiveJournal:

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Friday, July 28th, 2006
5:06 am	I haven't written in here for a long time, months, longer, whatever. Really there's only one thing worth noting. I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend. Yep, even after 3 years of trying to get over her and sad attempts to convince myself i was falling for somoene else (as is seen in the other entries), I was just horribly wrong. The great part, she's still in love with me! yay! fireworks and confetti and a marching band... wait... hold that... she's still with her emotionally abusive boyfriend who picked her up on the rebound when she and i broke up years ago. Really really long, dramatic story short, nothing I said to her helped us get what wanted, i couldn't tell her how much i loved her, or how wrong he seems to be for her since she's miserable. So starting a few days ago... she and i stopped speaking until either a) she breaks up with him because she misses me enough or b) she never missed me enough to break up with him, she didn't see how much he puts her down, and august 27 rolls around and she stays with him. Which, given the past series of events, would mean that within about 3 weeks of that... we'd be right back at this. I miss her so much, really, i do, it's been 3 days and i'm going crazy. Of course i'm worried, every day is another day she hasn't broken up with him. IT'S ONLY BEEN 3 DAYS! how in the hell can I last a month. but here's the thing, i love her so much, if that's what I need to do, i'll learn to cope. I've been codebreaking like mad, almost obsessively, and my window is covered in number theory written in black or red grease pencil. All i have to hold onto is that I have to remind myself how she feels about me, that this is for her. Nothing makes me more scared and paranoid than being forced to wait and being helpless about it. Every day I want to leave her little notes and clues, dead drops where I know she'll look. I have a few pictures of her, they are some of the most treasured things i have now. She's so beautiful to me, the deepest blue eyes i've ever seen, a smile that could drown out the sun, and a body that rivals Aphrodite's. All I want is to tell her everything going through my head about her, about us. How I want to grow old with her, and how i want to be with her in all of our moments good and bad. I want to be a part of her life, and have her be in mine. I can officially say i am no longer sleeping, at all, and thinking about this is a big reason why. Just to know what's on her mind, that's all. Just to have her alieviate the fears that impede on my daydreams. Starting off without patience, wanting something so bad, but being chained to the wall forced to wait, knowing she's with him. The man who for 3 years has been killing her slowly, destroying the wonderfully sexy girl she is, making her nothing but his. Dear God... give me the courage to change the things i can, and the patience to deal with those i cannot, and bring my love, my angel back to me. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 27th, 2006
1:23 am	I'm up late, can't sleep again, big surprise... I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared out of my wits. I passed out during my race saturday, just fell over than threw up while passed out. I've never done that before, and I don't know what to do. Today I'm going to go to the health center and get checked out, and I'm fairly confident that whatever they tell me is gonna end my running career. Half of fears that like no other... the other half somewhat welcomes it. It's been so frustrating lately with everything, and now there's this... The worst is that there isn't really anyone here i can talk to about all this. It's one thing to feel scared, it's another to feel scared and alone, and even worse when you feel scared, alone, and you know your team just thinks you're a pussy. Feels like i think i'm dying, like i know tomorrow's it. I'm more scared now than i was when i couldn't get to my feet after i fell. Right now it's just me and the screen of my laptop, and Fall Out Boy being pumped into my ears. I was so ready... I felt ready, and I failed. And after all of that I just wanted something comforting, a hint of care, instead everyone left to play video games at nelsons. and today i just sat in my room. I've always kind of been a loner, but today I felt so isolated, like I was left behind, and I don't know where to turn. I want to go home, I want to just sit on the couch and pet my dog, even though I never will. As much as i've tried to keep my head up but everything has gone wrong and all my plans have fallen through. Everything is different and know why it's different, but not why it had to change. weren't things good enough? Kind and Merciful God my ass, God's the kid with the magnifying glass, burning off our feelers until he tires of us and finally kills us off. Karma is bullshit, I've been kind, I've done nothing wrong, and the biggest jerks get it all through underhanded deals, cheating, and backstabbing. If this is some test, I fail, I give up, I turn my back to God and dismiss all i've ever heard of such. Is it so much to ask for a little comfort now and then!?!? Damn me now!! I fail, I forfeit, I give in, because courage and persistance result in the need for more of each! All I ask is for company instead of betrayal and heartbreak, real success rather than a tease of hope followed by failure! Must one sell their soul for such?!? Why is it only those of us who dare respect certain sanctities be forced to watch others overtake in the few simple pleasures we long for?? Why is it respect for others and moral fiber bring dispair?? Why do those who think with greed and temporary contentment always have a treasure to hold?? Take it all from me! make me worthless to this world! just leave me one thing to hold on to as you take everything i've ever loved from me and force me to watch it die forever or become something i can't have! Leave me SOMETHING! How long, GOD, before you take my brother, my parents, or my few real friends from me??? How LONG??? You rob me of everything and tease me with your hope! Smite me now for turning my back to you! Or would it ruin your fun to spare me from whatever is left in store?? Take the last of what I love from me, you'll spare me nothing! There isn't much left, let me know now I am to be alone! Fail me out of school, take my family and friends from me, take what hopes i have for finding love and leave me be! I can sympathize with fallen angels. i join their ranks as best i can Current Mood: morose (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
6:39 pm	alright, here's the next part to that little story scene i wrote before, I think I finally hit a flow, so there may be much more, naturally i want all criticism. The bar was crowded. Highbrows pretending they were still in college, looking to do something immoral. Amanda saw hi in the corner, staring right at her. She felt angry at the seeming indifference he looked at her with. She crossed the room and sat across the table from him. “You don’t want to be here.” “And why is that?” “Bad things happen here.” “A few millionaires looking to cheat on their trophy wives hardly counts as a ’bad thing’ given how your actions quickly ruined the mood at my cocktail party.” “Well, the adultery is the main event here, and you’re a new flavor But, there is always something worse.” “Always?” “Always.” “So what are you doing here?” “I’m not allowed a few drinks?” “You’ve barely touched your drink.” “And you haven’t even ordered.” She glanced at the bar, crowded with people. She counted the men waiting for a woman to push her way through them to the bar. She winced at what they would try while she was there. “I’m probably better off sitting with you.” “Be that as it may, it is, sadly, time for me to leave.” He stood from the table and headed toward the back. A group of men moved out of sight down a hallway just as Amanda looked over, the man she was with following discretely. She looked away to have her attention brought back to the hall, another man was following. The same man that had spoken to her, the other stranger from the party the night her husband was killed. She was moving before she knew what she was doing. She headed for the hall, which led to the clubs restrooms, and a set of stairs leading to some more private rooms, at the end was a door leading to a side alleyway. She pulled from her purse the revolver she bought after her husband was killed. It felt oddly comfortable in her hand. She had fired it before, but for no reason close to what she was expecting. She took a deep breath as she opened the door into the back alley, waving the gun through the opening. It was quiet. A limo sat with the engine off, the men the stranger followed all lie dead around the vehicle, some with guns drawn. The second stranger lay slumped against the wall. All of them cut. Seemed like a perfect hit, like out of a movie, but one thing was out of place. The back door of the limo was open, none of the men near it, and there was no driver. Amanda walked around the bodies to the open door, she looked around inside the vehicle. Glitter covered the back seat, there were even long blonde hairs static-stuck to the leather. None of that was more suspicious than the cut corded rope on the floor. It then hit her, she needed to leave. She put the revolver back into her purse and slipped back into the club. Appearing to come back from the restroom she drew little attention. She found a table and flagged down a waiter, and ordered a drink. Kaitlyn woke up in a bed that wasn’t hers, wearing a dress she would never have been able to afford. Her wrists and ankles hurt, even her jaw was sore. She spent a few minutes taking in the room as she came to consciousness. This whole place was new, and her head was splitting. She couldn’t remember much, more than as if she had had too much to drink last night, it felt like weeks, maybe months were missing from her memory. She sat up and began to move, her joints fought back. She closed her eyes and was flooded with images. Bad dreams maybe? Men fighting to live, dying by her hand. She wouldn’t do that. There were clothes on a chair next to her bed. New they still had tags on them, yet, they were her size. She looked around the rest of the room, just her, the door was locked. She got up and changed. They were more comfortable than that dress, something about it made her feel evil. She had to sit back down as nausea hit her. This was all too weird, she felt as if she had been drugged. She looked at the door wondering if it was safer to stay locked in the room, or to go confront whoever brought her here. She gathered herself and unlocked the door. She came out into a large open room, it was empty as far as she could see, with a man asleep on the couch. Maybe should could slip out unnoticed, she saw what she assumed was the door out. She moved toward it, out into the room and past the kitchen. She stopped as she saw another man sitting at the counter in the kitchen. She froze. “You’re probably better off staying here.” The man said. “What am I doing here?” “To be honest, I don’t know that much about all this. You’re gonna have to wait for sleeping beauty to wake up over there.” He said motioning to the man passed out on the couch. “All I know is that those assholes he killed had you drugged up really bad.” “Killed?” She tried to keep talking, but could only stutter, she began to panic. “Don’t you worry, you’re safe with him.” “What about you? What are you doing here?” “Still unsure, I just drove the limo and told him when and where.” Kaitlyn felt dizzy again, she clung to the wall. Images flooded her again, her being tied up in the back of a limo. A group of men coming out a door toward her, then another man, carrying a knife, an intricate looking blade, violence erupted and the group of men dying being slashed up. A last man came out of the door with a gun, it had a silencer attached. He fired at the knifeman, the man on the couch. The gunman’s hand was quickly severed, and his throat slit. She remembered being pulled from the limo by the knifeman and taken out of the alley, and put into another car, and passing out again. The limo driver was holding her up, trying to set her down on the floor gently. “I don’t know what they were giving you miss, but it was really messin’ with your head.” The room started to go out of focus, she leaned back against the wall and feel unconscious again. She was back in the bed again when she came to. This time she wasn’t alone, the knifeman sat in the corner, staring into space. She sat up and broke him from his reverie. He looked at her for a moment, she could only stare back. “I’m Michael.” He said. “Kaitlyn.” “I know.” Another long pause. She kept looking at him. He looked at the floor. “They kept you drugged, you were used, you were an assassin, bait, a prostitute. Whatever they were drugging you with made you do whatever you were told.” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. More images came flooding back. It was too much, she got dizzy again. She put her forehead in her hand. “And what do you want with me?” “You’re going to dry out here, you’re probably going to crash hard from the addiction.” “That doesn’t answer my question.” “I don’t want anything from you.” She didn’t believe him. But, something was bugging her as she talked to him. He seemed sad. There was little behind his eyes, he was definitely exhausted, but was there more? “I suggest you don’t leave the flat. Other than that you’re free to make yourself at home, you’ll sleep here. We can get you more clothes if you wish. Bathroom with a shower is at the end of the hall. You have nothing to be afraid of while you’re here.” He said. As he finished he stood and left the room. All she could do was sit and think, a tear slid down her cheek. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
10:22 pm	I haven't been writing here nearly enough. A lot has happened and I feel since i'm awake and restless I might as well put the whole deal down in one of my classic ramblings. First and foremost, today my brother got married. At 3 o'clock PST he married SPC Sherry Broussard, another HUMINTer he met at Fort Huachuca while attending the Intelligence Collection School there. It was a small legal ceremony with two witnesses. He called me after the wedding and let me know how the day went. Well, actually it was Sherry who called me, just on Justin's phone. As expected the whole time leading up to the actual ceremony was chaotic, and Justin, being himself was a little crabby. It was raining, a clerk told them they wouldn't be able to get a house as soon as they expected, and when they got to Lover's Point where the ceremony was supposed to be, they didn't see the judge. But, since God seems to toy with my brother and I, right as Justin got out of the car and began pulling the whole "seriously can anything go right, wtf is this shit?" mindset, the skies cleared up and the sun popped out and "like a genie" the judge appeared, and even after the ceremony used his clout to make it so justin and sherry got their housing by the end of this weekend. So, congrats bro, thank heaven it's not Val or Rachel. On sort of the same note, I will get to see them again the first weekend of spring break, and even get out of class for it. I'm going to fly from Denver to San Jose and then get to Monterey somehow and spend 4 days in Monterey with Justin and Sherry. I'm so stoked, anyone who really knows me knows how much my brother means to me, and now there's sherry, who obviously means a lot to him as well, and we love her too, when we met her we just knew what was gonna happen there. I've never been to California, so this is a big deal either way. The funny thing is, when Sherry asked what i wanted to do there, i didn't know how to respond, all i want is to hang out with family, see them, but, on the other side, when you go somewhere, dining out is the best part of vacation. I loved the pubs in London, the food adventure was second best to the experience of hanging out with family and experiencing all of that together. I don't think until now i've realized just how family oriented i am. Kinda puts some things into perspective. We all know my love life has been..... non-existent. But, I'm not one to be fickle with anyone's emotions, too many have been fickle with mine. I dont' want to spend time on anyone i wouldn't be willing to at least try for the long haul with. I want a family, as much of a troublesome teenager i was to my parents, especially my mother, I now know that I took away a strong sense of family, and I know my parents loved me through it all, and have done everything for me. All I want is to love a wife like my dad loves my mom, and to love my kids as my parents loved me. I've been getting nostalgiac on myspace lately, searching for random long lost names and faces. I found Andrea Zambetti, and Kelly Delmedico, and am talking to both of them again. Altho, Andrea disappeared long before Kelly. I don't know what has compelled me to do this, it's almost like i'm searching for something, but then again, we're always searching for something. After the shitstorm of this summer I think I'm trying to test my mind's definition of friendship. I've seen that "friends" can quickly turn on each other for personal gain, i've had plenty of friends that have done that. There's a Shannon Curfman song that puts this whole situation perfectly, it's called True Friends, if I haven't sent it to you, i suggest you find a way to download it, it should be on her website. But really, it is all about who's there with you when the trouble starts. This summer taught me which of my friends actually knew me, actually knew what kind of person I am and what I would be willing to do. At first it surprised me who cut tail and whispered behind my back about things they heard i had done and was doing, and who stuck around. Even still there are a few I'm unsure about. Thanks to all those who have betrayed my friendship I watch carefully, people who once confronted me about my alleged evils this summer are now claiming they never knew anything about that. People are phoney, and quite often it is neccessary for all of us to step back and make sure that we're not lying to ourselves. Are we really acting like those we think we are? It is not about the inner person, a potential deep inside, we never are that person if we never let it out, we are defined by our actions, and therefore our deceptions. The number of those I actually trust with my full friendship is fewer than many of you may think. Is that the bane of growing up though? Do we have to weed out those who are real friends, and just those who had similar interests and happened to go to the same school? Is aging just the slow process into personal Isolation? In Donnie Darko there's a line which Grandma Death whispers to Donnie, it is "Every living creature on this earth dies alone." Not a happy sentiment by any means. However, the question is how far from actual truth is it? I could spend all night disecting that statement and trying to figure out what it means, and get no where. It does seem that as we pass from one stage of life to another the number of those close to us dwindles, does it just approach zero? Is that what kills us, that final moment of realization that we're alone? Even here, there are many I hang out with, and talk to, and greet happily as i pass them on the plaza or the fieldhouse or student center, yet, what is their value to my life? Are they temporary? Is there any point to be contemplating all this??? Philosophy.... mental masturbation, seems pointless to me. It's all about proof, and proof only exists in mathematics. hence my choice in major. As much as I actually enjoy mathematics, I am discontent with my classes. they have no point, memorization and calculation. Like all sciences it has been steralized and bled dry of the creative neccessity that lurks behind all advancement and accomplishment. The great scientists and mathematicians were artists, they visualized beauty onto their medium and yet it is still unclear whether they invent or discover. Seems to be impossible to really decide, like sculpters, do the true geniuses carve a piece from stone, or free the piece from stone? Surely the stone has ability to become what it does, but was it the artist who made it that way? There must exist stone slabs that cannot become certain things due to flaws, well maybe not flaws but characteristics, in the stone that cause it to crumble as the artist attempts to make it into what they wish. Again, i drift into philosophy, little more than a tired mind with nothing to occupy it. I started off talking about proof and classes. It has always amused me, that my learning "disability" is only defined as a disability because I am the statistical anomoly that cannot conform to rote memorization. A Beautiful Mind put it perfectly, in one of my favorite quotes ever "classes will dull your mind; destroy the potential for authentic creativity." It is so true, we are taught to memorize and regurgitate the meanderings of those before us, and quite often taught that they are brilliant and we are meek. This does destroy creativity, as children we came up with everything, and tested our theories without fear. Those "geniuses" pass onto us fear of problems they couldn't solve. When we teach ourselves to do nothing more than memorize and regurgitate as close as possible the weak research of critics and skeptics we become machines. We get stuck in these ruts on how to discover, and the assumptions of others define how we choose to approach a problem. What really is brilliance? Is stupidity and brilliance along a defined line? We can become blinded by our knowledge of a problem, or just our knowledge of the world in general. Memorizing the assumptions of our predecessors blinds us, we should be taught to approach the world around us and discover it's rules and laws ourself, comparing to others, a true Marketplace of Ideas. Quite often not inheriting the fears those before us developed for a problem can keep our eyes open enough to reach the solution they could not. Must one really have a Ph.D. to accomplish anything? Why are we often amazed when someone young accomplishes something great with all possible elegance. Children have no fear of failure or ridicule when it comes to accomplishment. Even the great minds who have studied and accomplished much should learn to approach every new problem as if they knew nothing, discover from scratch. I ramble on about this because I am ambitious, and attacked a famous unsolved problem of Mathematics; the Goldbach Conjecture. It is difficult in it's simplicity: Prove that all even numbers greater than 4 can be written as the sum of two odd primes. that is over 260 years old. And many great minds, and of course many meager minds have attempted to find solution. And oddly enough, I believe I have one, although many have believed to have proven or disproven the conjecture. What gives me faith in mine is the power it has in it's simplicity. Yet, it is it's simplicty that has made me hide it from others and to go over it over and over, making sure that my logic is indeed flawless. How could something so simple, and here i'm assuming it actually is correct, be missed by all these "brilliant minds" that came before me? Even I have no doubt as to the genius of Euler, Gauss, Legendre, Littlewood, Hilbert, Hardy, etc. or is it that I have not been blinded by teachings in higher mathematics and was able to find solution using only the simplest of tools. I have faith in my solution because of its simplicity, and it's seemingly intuitive logic, which, i still bothered to prove for completeness, but more so I have faith in it because I have faith in myself, and that I approached the problem with patient persistence and rigorous analysis, and without fear of the elements I was dealing with. Was it my "disability" that allowed me to visualize and maniuplate the number line in my head, look at the problem from an entirely different point of view? Was the difficulty in this just coming up with the idea of "hinging" the number line about a central point to line up the partitions? I know I was not the first the recognize that an even number's divisibility played a rather major role in the number of 2-partitions of it where both elements were prime, but it was this "hinging" that allowed me to see WHY divisibility was a major contributor. I didn't look at the primes, but more removed the space AROUND the primes, the "noise" so to speak. Like the sculpter I found the rules to slowly chip away at that which was trivial to the problem. Or, so i believe. Part of me, i think, causes me to hide my results given that I have absolutely no knowledge on how to present such findings to others, so that they may verify or falsify my work. What is neccessary, what is trivial? It is also hard to really grasp WHY I do this sort of work. Am I doing anything worthwhile? what does this accomplish? sure, it gives a better understanding of the natural numbers and another relation to the primes, and their distribution. Could it give some clue as to a faster way to find primes? Even if it did, what does this accomplish? Quite apparently the life of a mathematician is little more than a life of problems and attempts to find solution. I wrote too much to really expect anyone to sit and read, it is quite melancholy for a mathematitian to write about mathematics, for it shows he is lost and does not know where to go. Current Mood: predatory (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
7:48 pm	Hey Joe, I'm Taking Care of No Business, in a Purple Haze, while i'm on Fire, chillin' with Johnny B. Goode. but i guess i better Wait Until Tomorrow for Little Wing. 'cause i got the Catfish Blues over my Blue Suede Shoes, missing my Sweet Angel to Rock Me Baby. It's what i get being a Highway Chile, or a Voodoo Chile, who know's? it's a Room Full of Mirrors. i'm just staring out my Belly Button Window to new Beginnings with My Friend, Izabella, sitting on a Machine Gun, so i say "Hey Baby, i think we're Drifting, to Villanova Junction..." just gotta take that Stepping Stone Straight Ahead into Cherokee Mist, where they're Burning of the Midnight Lamp, so we can come In From the Storm. I know there's a Red House, over yonder, to sleep on this Long Hot Summer Night, where she can Come Down Hard on Me. 'Cause if I don't Live Today, I say Let the Good Times Roll. It may be because of the Spanish Castle Magic, but I think I Hear My Train a-comin' to take me to that Jam Back at the House, thru the Cross Town Traffic. back to our Castles Made of Sand like a Night Bird Flying, Stone Free fighting Manic Depression... always wondering "If 6 were 9...?" 'cause somewhere there has to be a Foxey Lady maybe a Dolly Dagger, someone for this Astro Man, or else i don't know why the Wind Cries Mary... Once I had a Woman, but i'm a Bleeding Heart, Who Knows...? too bad i was Born Under a Bad Sign. it's what I get for being a Mannish Boy... The Gods Made Love, and the Moon, Turn the Tides.... Gently Gently Away. I've got the Power to Love as i said in this Message of Love, how long until my 51st Anniversary? Can You See Me? or Remember? All these Changes, Rainy Day, Dream Away. where's my Angel? We Gotta Live Together... if only I were as Bold as Love. I might join Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Where to go? Have You Ever Been To Electric Ladyland? Can you tell me how it is? yeah i'm out, too bad i'm on the Killing Floor, with these Earth Blues. If only it were 1983, the a Merman I Would Be, swimming All Along the Watchtower. Well i still got my Guitar.... (Comment on this)
Friday, January 20th, 2006
10:10 pm	OK, so many people have inquired about the quotes in my AIM Profile. So I'm going to lay it out here, yes, i wrote every one them, and their respective meanings are laid out below: "Everything goes great.... until you're asked to define truth..."- This is my philosophy on the power of mathematical proof, in mathematics truth is defined simply with the equality, "this" being the same as "that" as a result is the only way to really be 100% certain and never be able to be questioned rationally. "are you sure you know what you're doing? are you sure you haven't been swindled? are you sure you're on the side you think you are?"- Too many people don't know themselves, they don't have a clue, they claim they are this or that and belong to this class or group. But, especially politically it seems no one really knows who they're voting for, people have little to know grasp on their own beliefs, they get their News from MTV or "The Best Week Ever" and don't really understand anything that's going on. Hop on the bandwagon, but make sure you know the way to where they say they're going, otherwise you'll never even know whether you'll ever get there or not. "you've never been able to honestly tell me i'm wrong, but yet... you still don't accept it."- My chagrin with those who will do anything to win an argument and appear to be the better man. Even when presented with almost absolute truth, where they cannot logically debate against because it's sound, they're more willing to make up anything to defend their ignorance than admit and give in to knowledge and rationality. "Apparently, 20 years is enough to know how it all works, and to have a good idea how the next 50 are going to play out."- Eric and Gaby, Ryan and Lisa, Rachel and Mark, you're all idiots, you're 20 years old, you're too young to have the maturity or experience to be making the decisions you all have, you're rushing and think you have it all figured out, I'm curious as to what you're trying to prove? Is it just for guiltless sex? Are you just tired of being "boyfriend and girlfriend" and wanted a new title? Is it that you're trying to show the rest of us up? Or are you just trying to live out the fairy tale of marrying your high school sweetheart, if it is true where you two will spend your lives together, then you can wait until you're old enough, financially stable enough, and mature enough to actually settle down and start a family. People are worried about Homosexual marriage ruining the sanctity of marriage, but no one's looking at the idiot teenagers running around getting married and then divorcing or spending their lives lying to each other? "It only works itself out when it's inconvenient, doesn't it?" - The only girls who ever seem to have any desire at all to be with me romantically, are those who I cannot be with for one reason or another. It's beyond cruel to be forgetting how it feels to hold a girl and just be relaxed, calm, and happy with her, hoping she feels safe and happy in your arms. Why is it that the only ones who are willing to admit their attraction to me will be forever out of reach? (Comment on this)
9:54 pm	I haven't written in awhile, so i thought it would be a good time to. This was the first week of spring semester, so far my classes seem to be alright, as long as i keep my ass in gear. I'm taking Calculus 3, Multiple Regression Analysis, Stats seminar, Descriptive Physics, and Digital Circuit Logic. On the side I am currently working on a reciphered code problem, where the methods are the english equivilent of the Italian Naval code used in North Africa during WW2 in 1940, so it should be cool when i break into that one. Tomorrow is my first indoor track meet for this year, competing at Colorado School of Mines in either the Mile or the 3000, either way, i'm going to race to my best. I've been fighting a pair of injuries all week. I have a small tear in my Achilles tendon that has required a lot of attention, and starting this morning a pain in my knee similar to what i had during cross country senior year, I've had to spend more time taking care of those than i have put into my homework so far. Also in track news, yesterday Coach Hessel announced he's retiring at the end of this season after 40 years of coaching. It's hard to accept, Hessel is the reason i came out here, rather than Virginia Tech, he's a great coach and will be missed, and i don't know if any other coach would see as much potential in me as he does. For many reasons i have yet to really do anything worthwhile at this level of competition, and most coaches wouldn't keep an athlete like me around after that, being constantly hurt or sick, with no performances to look back on as a reason to keep me. Either way this is a scary time for our team here, there's a reason Hessel was kept for so long, there's no one better. I'm tempted to talk of my current (lack of) love life, but i'm still unsure if certain people still read this, and if they are i'm still unsure just how well i can trust them to stay within confidence. All I can say is that I know I have to really step back and understand my feelings before I do anything else. Given what I want I need to be fairly sure of what I'm doing. It's a new year, a new season, a new semester, we've all been given another chance to put everything into place as we wish, and understand the thought and sacrifice that goes with that. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
12:16 am	I am up late, and just finished one of my improvised indoor workouts; so naturally, i am thinking too much right now. I've had to find a lot of inspiration lately for a lot of things, especially running given how the last year has basically played out with that. So, i found a book i had almost forgotten about, written by the legendary York hs coach, Joe Newton. I was just skimming it when i came upon this... it's under the title motivating for life, and i know remember how important i once considered all of this... 1. Compliment 3 people every day 2. Watch a sunrise at least once a year. 3. Have a firm handshake 4. Look people in the eye 5. Say "thank you" a lot; write thank you notes promptly 6. Take time to listen to your favorite music all alone once each week. 7. Sing along with songs that you like. 8. Stand at attention and put your hand over your heart when singing the national anthem. 9. Learn to Identify the music of Chopin, Mozart, and Beethoven. 10. Be the first to say "hello" 11. Return things you borrow 12. Treat everyon you meet like you want to be treated 13. Keep Secrets 14. Never give up on anyone 15. Remember that miracles happen every day 16. Show respect for teachers, for the police, and for your elders 17. Don't waste time learning the "tricks of the trade"; instead learn the trade 18. Control your temper 19. Put the cap back on the toothpaste 20. Take out the garbage without being asked 21. Enjoy beautiful things; always have something beautiful in sight 22. Smile a lot; smile at someone once each hour every day 23. Take responsibility for everything that you do or fail to do. 24. Accept a compliment with a simple "thank you" 25. Live so that when others think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you. 26. Use your sense of humor to amuse, not abuse. 27. Dot your i's and cross your t's 28. Be brave, even if you're not, pretend to be, because no one can tell the difference. 29. Touch the ones you love. 30. Don't take good health and your body for granted. 31. Don't mess with drugs, alcohol, or smoking, enjoying life will give you everything the drugs could give you. 32. Avoid sarcastic remarks. 33. Earn trust, and learn to trust. 34. Slow dance. 35. Refill ice-cube trays. 36. Choose yoru friends carefully; you will influence each other greatly. 37. Make a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out. 38. Don't miss class 39. Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures 40. Go for a walk alone at least once each week. 41. Never cheat 42. Put a marshmallow in your hot chocolate. 43. Learn CPR. 44. Learn to listen; opportunity somtimes knocks softly. 45. Know how to tie a tie 46. Remember people's names 47. When people are relating and important event that happened to them, don't try to top them with a story of your own, let them have the stage. 48. Be on time. 49. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have. 50. Strive for excellence, not perfection. 51. Avoid negative people. 52. Be Neat. 53. Realize that the person with the big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts. 54. Be kinder than necessary. 55. Give people a second chance, but not a third. 56. Never take action when you're angry. 57. Battle against prejudice or discrimination wherever you find it. 58. Wear out, don't rust out. 59. Let people know what you stand for, and what you won't stand for. 60. Ask why. 61. Measure people by the size of their heart. 62. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know. 63. Have good posture. 64. Enter a room with purpose and confidence. 65. Don't forget, a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. 66. Show respect for all living things. 67. Loosen up, relax. 68. Commit yourself to constant self-improvement. 69. Remember that being a good loser is different than not caring about losing. 70. Don't major in minor things. 71. Praise in public, criticize in private. 72. When someone hugs you, let him or her be the first to let go. 73. Know that good manners matter. 74. Keep your promises; promise and deliver. 75. Save some money each week. 76. Recognize that you only have one chance to make a first impression. 77. Respect a tradition. 78. Wave to children on a school bus. 79. Show respect for others' time. 80. Hang out with people smarter than yourself. 81. Be modest; a lot was accomplished before you arrived. 82. Lie on your back and watch the clouds or the stars. 83. Remember that overnight success takes about three years. 84. Leave everything a little better than you found it. 85. Think of what you would change in yourself, and then change it. 86. Realize how you affect others. 87. Practice empathy; try to see things from other people's point of view. 88. Learn to say "no" politely. 89. Don't expect life to be fair. 90. NEVER criticize others' family. 91. Never underestimate the power of forgiveness. 92. Don't say you don't have enough time; you have exactly the same number of hours the rest of us do. 93. If you think you have no time to work out, do push-ups. 94. Remember that winners do what losers don't want to do. 95. Check the smoke detector's batteries. 96. Live your life with an exclamation, not an explanation. 97. Live so that when you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you DIDN'T do. 98. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. 99. Keep a dictionary on your desk. 100. Never eat the last cookie. 101. Be grateful and acknowledge those who help you. 102. Take charge of yoru attitude; don't let someone else choose it for you. 103. Pay attention to details. 104. Be a self starter. 105. Pay your fair share. 106. Remain curious about your ability. 107. When attending meetings, sit up front. 108. Don't litter. 109. Don't flaunt your success, but don't apologize for it either. 110. Don't procrasitnate; do it now. 111. help out at the special olympics. 112. Always do more than the minimum, even if no one will know. 113. Waste no opportunities, because they can never be regained. 114. Ask yourself, "Will this help me become my very best?" 115. Become someone's hero. 116. Adopt the motto, "If it is to be, it is up to me." 117. Remember that quitters never win, and winners never quit. 118. Believe that the future belongs to those who prepare for it. 119. Assure success through persistence and determination. 120. Press on! I know, it's a long list, but i've now read it 4 times tonite, i think it's that important. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 12th, 2005
3:30 pm	Well today, one of my previous posts was nullified. I am... back.... on the track team. In a bold move by the athletic department, rahter than telling coach hessel how many he was allowed to keep on the team to make up his roster, they just gave him a roster. So, he pulled his weight around, and i am once again on the roster, which means lots of hard training while i'm home! and i will get it done too. So, given the emotional blow last week, and now this, i wonder why nothing can ever go smoothly. So, that whole bit is now null, as for the second part of that last post, it definately still stands firm. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
8:24 pm	OK, so no surprise i was bored and class, like we all have been, and so like when we all get bored, i turned to a blank few pages in my notebook and started writing. Ok, so maybe not all of us do that, but here, I want some feedback on this, it's obviously just a start, just comment freely. “It’s never good to see you back here.” She said. The man behind her stood silent. She took a long drag on her cigarette. “I had the feeling you knew.” He finally responded. She let her hair down, he handed her a drink. “What did he do?” “You already know.” “Does knowing make me guilty too?” “No.” The lack of emotion set her on fire, and sent a chill down her spine. “Are you cold?” “I’m fine.” “No one’s fine this close to death.” He moved around in front of her. “You give yourself a rather lofty title.” He kissed her on the cheek, “Enjoy your party.” He then left her on the balcony. Silently he disappeared back into the party. No one noticed him. She burned, maybe it was anger, maybe it was desire, maybe fear, but she sweat cold and finished her drink. She never was able to make heads or tails of the man she was just with, but then again he never was that simple. She saw her husband moving across the lawn toward the guest house, there were several men with him. The silence of the grounds was colder than the autumn air. She took off her ring and laid it on the balcony rail. Tonight, she would become a widow. She needed another drink. She returned to her dinner guests, all enjoying their evening drinks. High society mingled and put on fake smiles. She walked up to a neighbor and grabbed a flute of champagne from a waiter. “It’s eleven o’clock, do you know where your children are?” she said jokingly, receiving a chuckle from the clique. “Hopefully not throwing a party of their own.” The neighbor replied. She put on a fake smile herself. Another man, just as shadowy as the man from the balcony approached her. “I cannot seem to find your husband.” he stated. “Last I saw of him he was on his way to the guest house to show off one of his collections.” she replied. The man just turned and left. She felt relieved, she had her alibi standing here, and now wouldn’t have to find the bodies herself. The most likely suspect could be quickly eliminated. “A few of your guests tonight give me the creeps, where do you find these people, Amanda?” asked Mrs. Rewski, the trophy wife of a local CEO. “Not entirely sure, Jared’s business seems to attract them.” she half-lied. “I think all business attracts them, it’s the money that does it.” replied Mrs. Rewski. Amanda smiled at the irony. comments are obviously no holds barred, honest opinions are the only opinions (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
4:29 pm	today my suspcions became offically justified. After more than 8 years, my competitive running carreer has come to an end, seeing cuts after this weekend i saw that i joined my families legacy. Like my brother and my father before me, in attempting to compete at the collegiate level, my body gave out, and i became useless to my team. I ran like shit this whole year, not just this school year, i have not been able to run at my best since march. Since my IT band went out for the second time, i have been off my game, and now the deterioration has reached it's zenith, and i got to see that I was no longer one of the true Rams here anymore. I can't even comprehend how i feel after that, getting horribly drunk seems to be a good idea right now. But for the most part, all i want to say, is fuck you Alison, you're a lousy bitch, and i'm sick of being the better person, you and 'z' can both rot in your naive and ignorant hell. Eric and Gaby, the stress you two have caused me putting me in the middle of your dysfunctional relationship can never be forgiven, and I know it was one of you that started the shit about me this summer, and be glad i haven't shot you both, or even done anything to completely ruin your lives and careers, but do not ever assume that that doesn't mean that i won't. The arrogance you two display as you set yourselves higher than the rest of us is astounding, and how dare you set yourselves in the heirarchy's you've made based on approval from others, both of you are more blind than any other person i know, neither of you have any idea what is really going on around you, or who you can and cannot trust, there is not one person who knows you both who is entirely willing to turn their back on either of you, you are both completely fake, and need to learn to quit trying to live some set script that you believe your lives should be, you think that your life is so much better than any of ours, it is only because you refuse to think otherwise. As for Ryan and Lisa, I put up with both of you for far longer than I should have, I should have cut all ties with both of you before senior prom, why i didn't astounds me now. Neither of you were true friends, Lisa because you were a controlling, untrustworthy, gossipy, manipulative bitch, and ryan for knowing this and not doing anything about it as your girlfriend betrayed and twisted the lives of all she could. And there are all those too numerous to mention that i know looked down on me for one reason or another. As for those few that I know i can rely on and actually trust, those few people who are actually true to themselves and others are invaluable and disgustingly underappreciated in today's society. There are universes of difference between those who truly go with their hearts, and those who only know how to give lip-service, and the worst about that is that the latter often believe that they have fufilled their social duty to others. I wasted my time, breath, emotions, and life on far too many people, and I will not continue to do so. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
9:45 pm	Below is a conversation i had tonite with my ex-gf, Alison Russel, most of you know the story behind us, we had stopped talking, but she IMed me asking "you don't have any STDs, right?" i naturally answered no, asked why, and the rest is the result: ATennis6: look, i'm sorry about earlier...i just read that you should make sure you know the "history" of everyone you've ever done anything with, and we kissed and stuff, so i was just making sure... SRunner2: whatever ATennis6: sorry, i was just explaining SRunner2: alright ATennis6: not that you care about me, but thats fine ATennis6: i just wanted you to know SRunner2: you might want to clarify that before hand ATennis6: well, i just didnt really want to talk to you, so i just wanted the answer, lol SRunner2: y'know, for when you ask, olsta, rob, etc. ATennis6: olsta and rob? come on ATennis6: like they would have one ATennis6: i dont think i kissed rob anyway, at least i cant remember SRunner2: and you'd assume i would??? ATennis6: well you have to admit that you're more likely to get some than OLSTA ATennis6: i dont even talk to olsta at all anymore, havent in years SRunner2: but still, how in the hell would i have gotten one before you and i dated? ATennis6: i dont know, just wanted to make sure ATennis6: i mean, you have sex now, dont you? SRunner2: not since jessica last year SRunner2: not even with jyoti ATennis6: well, i'm sorry then, i didnt mean to insult SRunner2: hence, why you should explain things first ATennis6: okay, okay, i just didnt want to talk, lol, i just wanted a quick answer ATennis6: hence i didnt explain SRunner2: well, in which case you come across as a bitch ATennis6: lol, i really dont care what YOU think of me ATennis6: because i doubt anyone in my life would say that i'm a bitch SRunner2: and you wonder why i was so shocked ATennis6: well, i mean, i guess you dont know me anymore SRunner2: well you've been avoiding me for about a year now, so yeah, i guess i don't ATennis6: lol, i think we've discussed why SRunner2: yeah, somehow with me in colorado zander still sees me as some threat to you two, real rational on his part ATennis6: not at all, but i get upset whenever i talk to you, and he's looking out for me ATennis6: i think he and i are just a tad beyond the jealousy stage SRunner2: uh huh ATennis6: dont sound so convinced ATennis6: lol SRunner2: you know, it's kind of sad i'm on better terms with jyoti than i am with you ATennis6: ....so, whats the prob with that? SRunner2: well, you're not the one who went off and fooled around with one of my teammates the night we broke up ATennis6: yes, that is true, but jyoti probably isn't involved with anyone ATennis6: regardless of whether or not i'm involved with anyone, it's not like we HAVE to be friends, ex's arent supposed to be SRunner2: she is ATennis6: ^see above SRunner2: somewhat naive there ATennis6: me? SRunner2: yes you ATennis6: ex's don't HAVE to be friends, fact? i think so. ATennis6: not to mention the fact that i'm probably twice as mature as you anyway SRunner2: and what basis are you placing that statement on? ATennis6: based on the old you, i guess SRunner2: now there's sound reasoning ATennis6: you're exemplifying the fact that talking to you pisses me off... ATennis6: so you've proven why we shouldn't talk. thankyou. SRunner2: btw, if you're gonna ask a guy if he's got STDs 3 years after you break up with him, when he seriously dated only one girl 2 years before you, don't pick the weekend he gets cut from the track team ATennis6: well, i'm sorry, but i obviously didn't know that, and i didnt know you cared what i thought anyhow SRunner2: when your ex can't logically assume that when you two dated that you couldn't possibly have any STDs, it's just a tad insulting ATennis6: you never know, okay? ATennis6: i should never have IMed you in the first place SRunner2: you're right, especially with such a great opening question ATennis6: you're so funny SRunner2: ;-) ATennis6: so now that you see why we shouldnt talk...do you understand where i'm coming from? SRunner2: we've talked fine before, without problems, but this time can you honestly assume we started this one on the right foot? ATennis6: well NO but i always feel like we end up fighting, and i dont want to hurt zander by talking about you, and i tell him everything SRunner2: as well you should, i don't get why we always fight either, especially after the last conversation we had, which i thought went fairly well ATennis6: well, i mean, yeah, it went well, i just wasnt planning on talking to you ever again ATennis6: we just dont get along...we're very different people SRunner2: and yet, you keep IMing me ATennis6: which is a mistake, i know SRunner2: you know, i'm so glad you hate me for no reason at all ATennis6: no reason! ATennis6: dont you think it's somewhat natural for me to feel agression toward someone that i regret dating? SRunner2: thanks ATennis6: dont you regret it??? SRunner2: good to know i was a waste of your time ATennis6: you weren't, at the time it was a growing experience ATennis6: in retrospect, it seems regrettable, but of course i've changed SRunner2: no, i don't, why, because it was good while it lasted, i was happy with you, and we were fine for basically a year, so no, i don't regret it, it was good, and it's unfortunate that it ended, but it did, and i do not regret dating you ATennis6: i'm not saying it was the end of world, but its still bothered me for a while SRunner2: well, than i'm sorry i took up so much of your valuable time when you could have been with someone less regrettable ATennis6: i dont mean that, it was a growing experience for me, i learned a lot about myself ATennis6: not to mention the fact that our breakup somehow resulted in my relationship with zander, so that certainly isnt regrettable SRunner2: well at least i was good for something ATennis6: sorry we dont get along, but i cant help it ATennis6: i want to be able to end this so we dont have to talk again and i dont feel like i need to IM you SRunner2: so end it, get it all out, right now ATennis6: what do you want me to say? ATennis6: i dont even know what to say ATennis6: i'm glad we dated because i learned from it, but i still can't help regretting dating ANYONE at all before zander. its an oxymoron SRunner2: good start, but we both know that's not all of it ATennis6: well what do you think there is? SRunner2: there is obviously more, if i know we wouldn't keep getting into this shit! ATennis6: well i have no idea, and i guess it doesnt really matter anymore SRunner2: you're right, it doesn't, if you want to end this, do it, just keep me in mind every time there's a successful military campaign, every year there's no foreign attack on the US, and every time some anti-terrorist law is recinded and you're given more personal freedoms, 'cause that mean's i've been doing my job, so if you're gonna take anything, take that ATennis6: oh wow, i think Rob is IM-ing me ATennis6: ummm okay SRunner2: well, make sure he doesn't have any STDs while you're at it ATennis6: perhaps you should think of me when your child comes to my classroom and is all the better for it SRunner2: you plan on teaching in the DC area? ATennis6: i dont know, zander's getting a master's in cryptography SRunner2: let me know when he publishes ATennis6: if you're trying to be insulting, i'm not insulted, because i'm pretty sure i know who is more capable of you two SRunner2: 'cause you have such a good barometer for those things these days ATennis6: if you're trying to insinuate that zander is less intelligent than you... SRunner2: no, just that you can't make a claim on that on either of us ATennis6: no, but i know for a fact that zander is pretty damn smart SRunner2: and i'm not? ATennis6: you never came across as being real motivated SRunner2: nope, not me, never motivated, just worked so hard in track to blow my hip out, and have spent over $500 this year in independant study to be one of the best cryptanalyssts that's still in college SRunner2: nope, no motivation there ATennis6: well you're pretty self-centered if not un-motivated SRunner2: how in the hell did you get self-centered out of that? ATennis6: this WHOLE conversation you keep inserting things about how admirable you are SRunner2: and you keep going on on how mature, and privledged you are ATennis6: i never said i was privileged, and i only said i was mature because of something YOU said ATennis6: how the heck did you ever get that i was privileged? privileged in what way? SRunner2: to go on and on about how much of better guy zander is than i, and you dare accuse me of being self-centered with you're little comment of making MY KIDS better for being their teacher ATennis6: because of something YOU said! ATennis6: i dont mean to sound like i'm 5 years old...but..you started it! ATennis6: do you really think i wouldve said anything like that had you not? ATennis6: do you think i'm stupid? SRunner2: you were right, we really shouldn't talk, you want to end this, block me right now, go call zander, let him know we talked, if he's got a beef with me, he can IM me ATennis6: lol, he is not like that at this point i blocked her, but..... ALrulezthecourt: dont laugh at my sn, but why did you block me? SRunner2: because that was pointless, and i thought it was what you wanted ALrulezthecourt: what do you mean? ALrulezthecourt: i dont want to talk anymore, you're right ALrulezthecourt: i still want to end it all right though ALrulezthecourt: i dont know, i'm confused SRunner2: do you really think we can? ALrulezthecourt: maybe not ALrulezthecourt: do you hate me? SRunner2: at the moment you aren't too high on my list, but no, i don't hate you ALrulezthecourt: lol, i know i'm not too high on your list ALrulezthecourt: but you wouldn't date me again SRunner2: no, you're right, i wouldn't, doesn't mean i hate you, or that i wish you any harm ALrulezthecourt: yeah ALrulezthecourt: i just dont think we can get along, i suppose ALrulezthecourt: so why do i keep IMing you? SRunner2: either A) there is still some care in you for me, or B) there's more you want to say ALrulezthecourt: perhaps A, because i dont have anything to say ALrulezthecourt: its like when i havent written a friend in a while and i feel badly SRunner2: but yet, you regret dating me, and i'm such a thorn in your side ALrulezthecourt: i just wouldnt date you again, thats all SRunner2: and since when in any logical train of thought is that reason to assume that means you shouldn't talk to me again either? ALrulezthecourt: because we just FIGHT, and i dont want that to take up my time or attention from z SRunner2: alright, well lets backtrack this, you opened with the STD thing i answered, asked why, you gave me an answer, and i did ask how you were doing, i made the attempt at normal conversation, even given how insulted i was, but yet, we always seem to end up fighting, no matter how much i give in and agree with you, i admitted i wasn't the best, but you can't say you were either ALrulezthecourt: no, so we just cant help it that we can't get along SRunner2: one of us is trying to get along, albeit, the one who's apparently the less mature of the two ALrulezthecourt: get off the mature thing, already; i just dont think it's in either of our interests to get along ALrulezthecourt: zander does NOT like it when i talk to you, obviously SRunner2: he doesn't like it because we fight, because you always bring up how regrettable i am ALrulezthecourt: i cant help that i feel that way ALrulezthecourt: so whats wrong with us not talking, then, since i'm obviously too immature to hold a civil conversation? SRunner2: where in the hell do you keep getting maturity from this? ALrulezthecourt: SRunner2: one of us is trying to get along, albeit, the one who's apparently the less mature of the two ALrulezthecourt: you keep bringing it up ALrulezthecourt: let's just end this civilly, okay? ALrulezthecourt: we both made mistakes, we've learned from it, we don't get along well, so we won't talk anymore. agreed? SRunner2: that's probably best ALrulezthecourt: so you're honestly ok with that? SRunner2: no, but it seems to be what you need, as much as i'd like the friend i had back, if stepping back from her is what she needs, than it's what i have to do isn't it? ALrulezthecourt: lol, you make it sound so sad...i feel bad, i dont want to lose a friend, but we just havent been friends in so long ALrulezthecourt: do you really even like me as a friend anymore? SRunner2: at the moment? no, but i did, might again when i calm down, i always thought we could start over, but i may be naive in that thought ALrulezthecourt: too much stuff happened between us, i think ALrulezthecourt: i'm sorry SRunner2: and we aren't both mature enough to put that behind us? ALrulezthecourt: its the zander factor, though ALrulezthecourt: it just makes me uncomfortable SRunner2: which qualifies that you may still be attracted to me, or at least the me you knew, why else would you feel bad for talking to me if you didn't feel guilt for some reason ALrulezthecourt: well are you still attracted to the me you once knew? SRunner2: i am, she was great, she was sweet, and i could talk to her about anything, and i still have yet to find anyone who's company i enjoyed more, but i know you're not her anymore ALrulezthecourt: yikes, do you mean that in a bad way? i dont think i've changed for the worse, i'd like to think i still AM sweet, lol ALrulezthecourt: the point is...maybe i'm afraid of being attracted to you again SRunner2: you're not the same alison i knew SRunner2: you obviously are ALrulezthecourt: so who can blame me? i am happy with zander and dont want anything to interfere ALrulezthecourt: i feel like you dont like me anymore anyways SRunner2: how could i be sure? i haven't seen you since summer 2003, and you keep telling me how regrettable i am, and how you're so much better off with zander, yet, the more you tell me about him, the more of a carbon copy of me he is ALrulezthecourt: he is kind of like you, in some ways ALrulezthecourt: i really am only a witch to you ALrulezthecourt: because i dont want to like you SRunner2: runner, looks like me, studying cryptography ALrulezthecourt: he doesnt look like you! SRunner2: you said that yourself when you two started dating ALrulezthecourt: well i was rather wrong ALrulezthecourt: so shoot me for wanting to preserve a good thing SRunner2: you know, maybe i should have been like him when we were dating, i shouldn't have let you hang out with marzano, or jason, or zander, and maybe we should have decided not to go to homecoming so i didn't have to watch you spend the night with dan, maybe i should have "protected" you to make sure i didn't lose what i had, kept you from talking to other guys, especially rob, and his older bro Sean, kept you away from Olsta, and all the other guys i knew were attracted to you like Brian Reilly ALrulezthecourt: he's not keeping me from you, but i would be uncomfortable if he was really close to one of his old gfs ALrulezthecourt: i shouldnt have to keep defending Z, are you jealous of him or something? SRunner2: no, however, you do always cite him as the factor that keeps us from starting over and maintaing some level of friendship ALrulezthecourt: its just not best for me, regardless of him - i dont want to start something between us again that really shouldnt be happening SRunner2: well now you're changing your reasoning, do you even know what the deal is? ALrulezthecourt: no, lol, i really dont ALrulezthecourt: i'm sorry SRunner2: don't be, i knew that ALrulezthecourt: do you not agree that something COULD happen again between us if we weren't attached? ALrulezthecourt: even if it shouldnt? SRunner2: am i a fortune teller? ALrulezthecourt: yes or no. ALrulezthecourt: not about the fortune teller bit SRunner2: i don't know what could happen, or would, etc ALrulezthecourt: okay, okay ALrulezthecourt: but. how about if we forgive each other and move on, and have a good rest of...whatever? life, i guess? SRunner2: that seems to be what you need ALrulezthecourt: good deal ALrulezthecourt: i'm sorry SRunner2: i'll live ALrulezthecourt: i'm really not like who i seem i am to you ALrulezthecourt: i know lol ALrulezthecourt: forgive me? SRunner2: eventually ALrulezthecourt: lol, i thought you wanted to be friends a second ago SRunner2: you don't ALrulezthecourt: yes and no ALrulezthecourt: i want to do whats best for everyone involved SRunner2: and you think that's possible right now? ALrulezthecourt: perhaps not, but i've given it time ALrulezthecourt: have a good evening, okay? i won't talk to you later, but good luck with everything SRunner2: you too ALrulezthecourt: au revoir, mon amie SRunner2: ironic ALrulezthecourt: parlez-vous frances? SRunner2: obviously if i found that last statement ironic ALrulezthecourt: ooh, he's sharp like a pencil ALrulezthecourt: lol ALrulezthecourt: good luck with your cryptography, and running, and whatever makes you happy SRunner2: and if this is how he sees me, i zander may want to look for other employers than the NSA for his crpytology work ALrulezthecourt: ehnnn? SRunner2: the govt agencey that just hired me ALrulezthecourt: i doubt he will, probably something non-governmental, because i dont want to live in DC SRunner2: well than i guess we won't have to worry about that ALrulezthecourt: nope ALrulezthecourt: dont worry, you wont see him ALrulezthecourt: lol ALrulezthecourt: but good luck with the NSA! SRunner2: see ya ALrulezthecourt: keep bin ladin out of my house, okay? SRunner2: no promises ALrulezthecourt: oh i'll definitely IM you again if he shows up ;-) SRunner2: well the problem is, he doesn't come up a lot, he doesn't communicate by signal, he sends couriers, they're harder to intercept ALrulezthecourt: buena suerte, y pasa lo que pasa, pero pasa lo que quieres en tu vida SRunner2: whatever ALrulezthecourt: lol SRunner2: you seem to be workin' real hard to end this ALrulezthecourt: sure am ALrulezthecourt: lol ALrulezthecourt: goodnight SRunner2: bye There it is, Stephanie, I don't know where you still stand with her, but i'm sorry, I had to show this. any who feel like giving her your opinion, well, you can guess which SNs are hers above *cough*Dani*cough* (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
10:44 am	act like i don't know Given my last post, and that next week i'm going home, last night was the last time i'm going to drink for a long time. Naturally, I was pretty drunk last night, I had my fair share. But there is nothing more annoying than having someone assume that you don't remember things, and trying to tell you you did things you know you didn't. My roommate this morning tried telling me that I was being really touchy with Renee and that Erin had to 'rescue' renee from me. This, is complete bullshit, and i know it is. I talked with Renee once, ONCE!!!! yes, i did put my arm around her, and then asked why i haven't been seeing her at track practice with us like she should be, and when that was done... i left and watched beer pong, apparently somewhere in there I was creepy, i guess i shouldn't ask "So how was it going thru the water on the steeple?" or "Are you getting over the hurdles alright?" because apparently, those questions make me creepy. This shit is ridiculous, i hate being accused of that crap, and how dare anyone assume that i don't remember what the fuck happened. Current Mood: cranky (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
10:35 pm	I had a lot of time to think today out on my run. Being out and watching the sun set behind the front range, listening to my ipod, and going over what coach hessel had told me right before i began this run. Every word echoing in my skull being disected by my brain. it started off simple enough "How fast are you gonna run this year?" So I laid out my goals, 8:30 altitude adjusted for the 3k at least, and 14:45 adjusted for the 5k at the very least. I'm still not sure if those are lofty or conservative, but i'm hoping they're conservative. I have good footspeed, and I've learned to keep my I.T. band under control so i can actually train well, and i have VO2 max of over 70, i have no reason to not believe i can reach those goals. Especially since right now i'm doing almost the same training system that set 12 world records in 4 years, and hopefully coach mackey will start writing them as they're supposed to be, and we can really get the full effects. After that coach realy dropped the weight, and i knew what i was getting into when he had me shut the door to talk to him. He said he was worried about the cross country team for the next few years, he has apparently been turning high schoolers away and done no recruiting for distance this year. He then told me how much he was going to lean on me, that he and the rest of the staff are paying particular attention to how i run in these coming months expecting me to be at least the closer for the cross country team. He continued saying that the times i ran in high school showed i had the potential to run well in Division 1. Potential is crap, it's basically an insult here, but in this case correct. I just have potential, i haven't accomplished anything here yet, nothing really significant, there's just potential that i will. Coach then went on to ask "how tough are you gonna be?" That's a tough one to answer, right now I am probably more timid than i should be, I do need to get tough and go out and try and kick some ass. You sometimes can tell when you've hit one of those moments where you're at a crossroads, and now it's all choice. For me, right here is probably where I can choose where my entire collegiate, and possibly professional running carreer goes. And the whole thing depends on that simple concept of 'tough'. Coach even mentioned possible financial aid, assuming that I don't fuck up this season too. And I won't, and can't. It is time to start impressing people, in practice, and in competition, especially the latter. I need to train like how I should race, and today i stepped up to the starting line for that, tomorrow the gun goes off. As this team gets older, especially with no recruiting, the pressure on me to hold more than my own increases ten-fold. This is where I decide if I want to be a National Qualifier, or even an All-American maybe. This is the most important starting point in my carreer. It's hard not be in awe over all that, running out on the trails here, taking in everything, and thinking about all of that. This summer, last year, it's all behind me, my I.T. band will heal, permanently we hope, either way i can take care of it, it's not a problem. I'd be a fool not to put forth everything from here on out. I have decided that once competition starts, I am going to stop drinking, I will train harder than others, I will beat them. I will train to beat Andres, and Steve, and maybe even Jeff. I am going to go after Mike Nicks' 3k record, and Klass' 5k record. I know what needs to be done, and i have the potential, i just need to get rid of the potential, and accomplish (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
11:29 pm	It sure has been awhile since i've written here. I have my reasons though, and part of me can only hope that the reason got bored with the lack of new stuff. A lot has gone on since I've last written, but most of it is trivial. I guess tonite was the right time to get back to this, i feel like there's something bothering me, but i cannot figure out what it is. So hopefully just the act of typing and sorting out my thoughts will allow me to find out what it is. I will get to see my brother for thanksgiving, as well as finally getting to meet his new gf sherry. So it won't be hard to figure out what i'm thankful for that day, or week. Altho, I wasn't too excited to be going home until i heard that their passes were confirmed, and I still am unsure just how much I'm looking forward to it. I still feel that there isn't much left for me back there, and after this summer i'm afraid that just being back there will bring back the horrid memories of this last summer. Right after thanksgiving I will have to face Intersquads for track. I am trying this new kind of training, and am feeling quite ambitious, but i've been disgustingly tired lately. I know the training will work, there's no reason it shouldn't, I just need to do it fully and correctly, and make sure my IT band does not bring me to a full stop again. With how my running has been going this year it has been really hard to stay confident. It seems like since my wreck my training has faced just one setback after another. As of now i'm not sure how to approach the gash in my head, and the headaches that come with it, and how i should approach those with my training. The gash is another story, and not even a fun one. It does seem that lately i've been almost cut off and isolated, or at least that's how i feel. Altho I am going out a lot more this year, finding someone that i trust as much as i did rachel or stephanie has been near impossible. Rachel is never coming back, and I am actually worrying about the distance Mark has been putting between her and her friends and family. Stephanie went back to castle rock, she couldn't afford to go here anymore, but it is a lot more likely i'd get to see her than i will rachel. Even Taylor and Laura have dropped completely off the radar. I haven't heard any news from Evan either, and it is still hard to get things back as they were with Haley and them since Andrew fucked all that up. As much fun as i have with daniel, kristen, the erins, jeremy, scott, and renee; none of them really provide me with someone to talk to, vent to, etc. Jeremy is closest, and even then, i can't just open up to him. I have always trusted girls more than guys for that, and for some reason it just seems like i cannot get close to anyone again. I'm back to really wishing i had someone with whom i had a true romantic relationship with, but even I'm not sure if i'm interested in anyone right now. Do I actually have vested interest in Cinda, or Jess, or Tiffany, or any of the girls i've remotely considered?? I was told that getting out and partying more would help with that, but it seems to do the opposite, i've gotten out, and i've seen more girls i don't want to be with. I'm running out of places to look, i'm not sure why i do still party. Either way it seems that when it comes to dating, relationships, etc. that I am almost pushing myself to have an interest. I don't know what's going on, no girls on my mind, there's no one i get that certain feeling around when i'm with them. Its like the drive just isn't there. I don't know what it is, and above all I'm worried that it's the ADD meds i have to take. I don't even know what I want, do I want someone to be in my life romantically, or not, or do i want that but i don't even know who i want to be like that with. I went to that dance with ali, and that would last all of 7 minutes, i'd curse, or go out and drink, and she'd get all mad at me, and we'd be done, she's great, but not for me. I saw molly again, and it's like this B.J. kid has sucked the life out of her, that fire in her eyes is gone, it does seem like he destroyed something amazing, and won't ever know it. There was heather, but along almost the same lines as ali, and the fact she has a bf apparently, would cause all that to just not work. I want a serious relationship right now, but I am my biggest barrier to that. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
2:19 pm	i cannot deny i cried I have finally realized many things that have humbled me greatly. As of right now I cannot run my best, and that I need to go back to square one, admitting this to myself, and to coach was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. I have also come to grips that since my car wreck this summer, I am terrified of the idea that another wreck is right around the corner, and that I will not escape this one, that next time I will not defy all odds and survive. I have also stepped down off my high horse, and admitted to myself, just how much I fear losing what I still hold close to me, that is still in my life. My whole life I have not been closer to anyone more than I am my brother, he is my source of ambition and inspiration, and he is my idol, and I cannot deny that everything I have accomplished has been a result of the effect he has had on my life. And right now i miss him so much. I know he has his duty, and a lot of responsibility and weight on his shoulders. But I have had so little contact with him that I feel as though a major anchor has been taken away from me. I just want to talk to him more, and when i do get that chance i want to have more to say than that classes are going well. I know he has a job to do, and that he takes all of the risks of his job with a strong heart and mind. But I still want my brother back, I want to see him again, I want to go out for sushi, and watch movies, and play playstation, and just have my brother back in my life. I cannot stand that thought that one day the army may come to me and say that none of those things will ever happen again, that died serving his country, and making sure that we can live the lives we do, and that even those who hate him for what he does can continue to hate him. And knowing those people, and seeing how they use the deaths of other soldiers as a platform for them to further their own idols, i cannot even bear my own weight imagining seeing those same people who feel that way, who i grew up with, using my brother for that, and he would have died, so that they could hate him for what he does. It's so hard to pick myself up, and now i realize how much he helped through the rough times in my life more than anyone else could, and now I don't know when the next time I'll hear from him is. I don't think that I'll be able to stand it when he is deployed, and I have no knowledge as to if the person I love more than anything else is ok, or safe, or even alive. All i'll be able to do is wait to either find out he's home, or to find out he's dead. I cannot even write this without tear rolling down my face. I cannot find anything that would comfort me over this fact. The two people who mean the most to me, and have done the most to shape who I am, have given up so many of their own rights, and taken on a duty the requires that wear body armor and carry guns. I every night I have a nightmare where i find out that someone else's greed, or abuse, has cost me one of them, and those thoughts haunt me every day. I cannot hide how much i love them, and how scared I am, I would rather take any level of eternal punishment than let something like that happen to them. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 10th, 2005
11:07 pm	AHHHHH I want to know why nothing can just be normal for me. That or I want to know how i always get myself onto these mental roller coasters. For starters I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want this damn cough to go away so I can run again, and not just run, run fast. I know what I can do, but for some reason my own body won't let me do it. Not to mention, if I'm going to pay someone to run a bunch of tests on me, he shouldn't just shrug and tell me to take some medication and let him know if it works. The hardest part going into this weekend was knowing I was the only true distance runner not competing in New Mexico today. And, now that I know how they ran down there, knowing that I would have made a much better showing for team-place than I did at wyoming. Does anyone know how hard it is to be the only one not going to a meet, and having several teammates in your room talking about their uniforms, the new shoes the school is buying for them, and their plans for the meet? It gets better, on amazon.com I found a rare book on codebreaking, of course, i jumped on it, had the damn thing shipped here from the UK. Of course I also make sure to get shipment tracking so i know exactly where it is. Friday i see that it was delivered, so I go down and open my mailbox, see package slips in there for me and my roommate, I take mine and go to get my package. I sign the book saying I'm picking it up, and the girl goes in the back to get it. A few minutes pass...... and she comes back empty handed, says she can't find it, and then freaking leaves. The morons at the front desk, lost...... a .........rare....... book. That's just ridiculous, they damn well better find it, and soon, otherwise I don't even know the wrath that I will bring down on them. It's not about how much I paid for it, it's about it's intellectual value, and unless they want to track down and find me one of the other few copies in the world, they better find my damn book. Far less, I wonder why it takes so damn long to deliver a pizza in this town... However, this weekend wasn't all bad. I can't lie when I say I'm really attracted to this girl Heather. I ran into her yesterday and then we went to the volleyball game together with a few of her friends. which was a blast, she actually looked like she got dressed up for it, and she looked great. At the game she even invited me to go hiking with her the next morning. So, of course I went, and we all know it takes one hell of a girl to get my ass out of bed at 6 am. And hiking was blast. But, me being the dating illiterate i am, don't really know what's going on. And, I have my worries. The last time I toughened up and just went after a girl, it crashed and burned on me, and I definately don't want to put up with that again, although heather is not the kind of girl to go get trashed as a party and forget what she's doing. The other worry I have, and I have gaby and eric to thank for making me paranoid about this, is that she is a very faithful christian. You all know, i'm not very faithful anything but me, and like my views on politics, my views on religion just seem to make everyone hate me. And this girl is so much fun to be around and I really want to get to know her, I don't want that to be the downfall. I would rather it be a difference in personality like one of us being a bit too outgoing for the other, or something like that, than to have it come down to religious interpretation. One week w/o a major stress causer, just one where i can relax, breath, and actually sleep for once Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
9:50 pm	My summer is officially over. I am sitting in my dorm room in colorado, even given the fact that tomorrow morning it's back to Illinois for my cousin's wedding. In the last week i have not slept in the same bed for two consecutive nights. The worst part is that I feel that this summer had been completely wasted. Nothing went the way it was supposed to. I'm no where close to being in the shape I need to be in order to run well this season, and my body is basically rebelling against me, i have two broken ribs from work (and i never told my parents they were/are completely broken...), I've developed a cough that gives me headaches, not to mention that in the last two weeks, i've gotten 3 migraines, and i usually only get one every few months. In the aftermath of summer school, work, shitty chicago weather, etc. my mind has entirely shit out. I have lost almost all ability to solve, or even make a simple decision. I barely know what is going on around me. I do know that i'm moved in, and that summer school is done, and that I'm officially a math major now. What i don't know is if my eligiblity cleared yet, if my english class will help my gpa, or, how i stand on the team, especially with the aforementioned pain. I do really feel bad, I've become almost obsessive on satisfying the advice that dr. gave me. It's especially on my mind because these last few nights have been some of the worst sleep i have ever gotten. But, I don't want a one night stand, i'm sick of bleak, pointless dating. I want to settle down, with a nice girl that's not gonna flip out or try and change who i am. Apparently though, my looking for that means I set my sights too high. Such a sad sentiment, that there aren't girls out there who will make even decent girlfriends. I am really sick of just being "the guy friend". Granted, I do like my female friends more than my male friends, and almost all my friends here at school are girls. The point is that I would like to get close to a girl, and let her know how i feel about her, without things being FUCKING AKWARD!! What is it about me? I want to know, i want goddamn honest feedback from any female that reads this, that means you keep your mouth shut Ilya. Seriously, I want to know if i'm just ugly, too damn scrawny, something about my personality, WHAT!!?? I want to know if it's something that i can, or even should fix. Or, even if i should just accept the fact i'm going to die alone. Especially in the last two years, I have developed the goal of having a family, a wife and kids to come home to and forget about work, that i can spoil, and try and raise the kids to leaders, intelligent, and to be hard workers who care about others and know how things work. I want as much feedback as possible to know whether or not i should give up on that now so i can avoid the creeps and sluts like the girls i've dated recently. LET ME KNOW!! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
12:37 pm	this was a free-write i did for my comp. class i'm taking this summer, We had some rather dull readings from which to draw inspiration from. This section's topic was Justice, so below is my attempt to find an argument dealing with it. Today, I was finally inspired as to what exactly justice is and what to argue in my next English paper. I had nothing before today, but my meeting with my professor and my drive home were quite inspiring. Afterwards I was able to realize that the spark I needed to inspire me on this topic was something I encountered every day at work. Justice is a two part process that should be the end result of one person doing wrong to another, which in itself is vague. True justice requires that those with authority treat all criminals or wrong-doers the same, and that the people should be willing to concede certain personal rights to the community in order for Justice to be exacted. In America today I have seen that we are a nation of irrationals, we have learned that we do not have to be rational, or even remotely reasonable in order to get what we want, all we have to do is complain a lot, and be annoying as possible so that others concede to us for nothing more than the sake of being rid of us and our stupidity. Justice fails in several ways, the first is when the authority treat people unequally and have the laws apply differently to different people because of some certain status that people hold in society. As is the case in California which is becoming more and more obvious as more celebrities commit crimes, but are completely acquitted on bogus evidence. The second reason Justice fails is that people naturally assume that they should be treated special and that for some reason the rest of society around them should concede to them. Americans have taken this to a whole new level, where unfortunately, everyone believes that they are special and that everyone should concede to them, which creates a universal case where everyone should concede to everyone else, which duly results in a nation full of pricks who blame authority for not getting anything done when it is the people who have completely crippled the authority with their egocentric mindsets of how they should go about their days. How often does one see the incident of a civilian harassing a police officer because the citizen “is a tax paying citizen and doesn’t have to take that crap”? Given that argument the civilian needs to step and realize that everyone pays taxes including this police officer, and that you have once again reached a personal equality where the citizen is still at a loss since the citizen has not been endowed with any power of enforcement. American society does not recognize authority anymore. Everyone assumes that they are special because they are, rich, poor, black, white, athletic, handicapped, or whatever. Everyone assumes they are special because they have found some social group or class in which they identify with, once again all these people have created is a stalemate where once again, it doesn’t matter what you are, you do not deserve special treatment. To make matters worse it is these same people that work their way into positions of authority with the power to enact some level of justice. Once again they view everyone without their same entitlements as lesser, and in many cases they feel that this gives them the right to be subjective in their rulings. Judges become either too harsh or too forgiving for their own, Police become oppressive or ineffective, and this can even be applied to teachers who assign grades that are unsubstantiated and unjust for no other reason than that they can. Those with authority need to step out of politics and make sure that they just do their job. Together with the populace they need to realize that not everyone can be perfectly pleased and that people will have to give up personal rights because of criminal actions that their fellow people have committed. Today we have the very major issue of terrorism, where, in America the focus on Political Correctness has been taken to a whole new level, where we burden everyone to make it seem like no profiling is going on. Unfortunately, everyone knows that security and police are paying much more attention to those of Islamic descent, which they take as a prejudice and yell at everyone else. This has nothing to do with everyone else, and they need to realize that unfortunately for them, some of their fellow Islamic people have created a criminal profile that security personnel are going to pay attention to. The terrorists perversion of their beliefs has done the most damage to those who practice and believe in Islam the way it is supposed to be practiced. I am sad to admit it, but yes security forces as well as the rest of this society, are racially profiling Arabs and others who are of Islamic descent because when it comes to looking for people who share the same beliefs as Osama Bin Laden, we are not going to pay too much attention to Carlos, Olaf, Laquanda, or Billy, unfortunately for them, we are going after Ahmed, Kamir, and Mohammed. Do not think that this is some completely racial prejudice that comes from a group of upper-class white men who believe other races are sub-human. This comes from the fact that when fighting a group such as al Qaeda we have a very consistent profile as to the race, gender, and religious beliefs of the people that we need to arrest, search, and in the war zones, kill. Of course we know that there are those affiliated with our enemies that may not fit this profile in all cases, and that gender and race my differ, but this is such a small margin that it is negligible. The most damage that the terrorists have done to other people in the nations that they are attacking is that they have created the need for governments to take away personal rights of a certain group of people, their own people. It is sad and very unfortunate but it must be done for the sake of true justice. Now if a nation is built on the belief that singling out that profile is wrong and unjust, then those people who don’t fit the profile and are complaining about the “invasion of privacy” that often comes from the searches of personal items in order to thwart the terrorists, then those people must also be willing to give up their rights, we are not going to sit by and be reactive to those that seek to do us harm. If the people want Justice than they must be willing to give up personal rights for the sake of the community, and the authorities need to make sure that they take only those rights necessary to achieve Justice. American Culture seems to make the first sacrifice impossible as it seems that American Society has lost all sense of community and has become entirely self-oriented. This leads to the authorities to have to push harder and become more intrusive to the people creating secret and unconstitutional searches and the beginnings of a police state. The attempt for balance in Justice, when the people are blind to the needs of the community, will create chaos. Current Mood: irate (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
10:29 pm	Unfortunately for all you who actually read this, i only write on bad days. So I'm sorry this isn't usually a happy place to sit and read what goes on. But anywho. Today was quite a day. I started off by driving my mom to work so i could have the car during the day if i found something to do. Unfortunately today was very different. On the way back I was in an accident, it was my fault, I rear-ended a pickup truck. It was one of those where everyone slows down trying to catch a glimpse of a body. Luckily tho there was no body for them to see, the pickup truck definately won today's fight, when my car was totaled. If it were not for seatbelts and airbags, none of you would be reading this, you'd see an obituary in a day or two, or hear it from friends as they found out. It weighs on you to have police officers and paramedics tell you that not only are they surprised to see you out and walking around, but just the fact that you're alive seems miraculous to them. I turn 19 tomorrow, luckily for my parents they can celebrate with me, instead of making other arrangements. It's bad enough on them that their one son is a soldier who's speciality lets him look back on the "front lines". After a day like today you would think you try and talk to everyone you can, all your friends, every last one of 'em. But, for me it just seemed to reaffirm who I really do want to be around, and who i'd prefer would just leave me the fuck alone until they grow up and mature enough to hold a conversation with me without my debating whether or not i should punch them in the face. Those aren't friends, I don't care how civil we act in public, we all know it's a sham. However, this is a strange event that gives some courage in the reminder that you're mortal. I've too many close calls in too many different areas of my life in the more recent past, in dating, school, running, and now just life. There's an odd rush in the matter. You all know i've never been a religious person, but you also know that i cannot deny the presence of at least some kind of divine intellect. I get the feeling that I was able to stand up and walk away from such a wreck, because my opinion on the non-existence of some kind of fate, is wrong. We all know i hate having time to just think and nothing to just focus on. All i can think about is trying to figure out what i want out of my life. I'm pretty sure i know the field i want to go into for a career, but that's just one part of life, and life should be multifaceted. I know i want a family, I know that for now I at least want to find a girl who respects me for me, and won't play the games those our age are known to play, and I just want to hold her, nothing more, just be comfortable with her in my arms, and making sure she feels safe there. But it seems to be that I am somewhat of an acquired taste, or never seen as anything more than just a friend, where my flirting and advances are seen as joking. I think my two major goals in life contradict each other. I want a family, to love and provide for, to make a wife happy and give her anything she wants, and to raise smart, strong, determined children who will know how to get thru life and even make the world around them a better place. But that dream seems to contradict the life of someone who deals only in secrets, who can tell said family next to nothing about something that would consume so much of my time and energy. Not to mention just finding someone who can put up with my nerd-isms and eccentricities while also not driving me insane. Do I ask too much? Am I going to have to choose? I feel double sided when i think about all that, how hard it is to find someone who doesn't want to change me or make me give anything up, someone who will understand that just knowing they feel the same way i do is all i ask for, and that i'm not scheming for more. I've met several girls who I'd like to whisk away to wherever they want to go, just enjoy each other's company and just enjoy the moment, laughing. You know, before today i never really understood the milestone a birthday is, I used to barely care, though i still expect nothing from anyone. It amazes me how much is taken for granted. I sit here and think about being a husband and father, and being the best of each i can, but i watch others who treat others emotions as a lesser consideration. I had decided to "give up" on dating, and the search, but now i realize i can't do that, i just need to change my ways. No more wasting time, how can anyone waste time? We have no idea how much of it we have left. I can't stop thinking about the story about the paintings of peace. In which a King sent out word to all artists that he was looking to see who could portray peace in the best way possible, in order to give his newborn son something to see to help lead his son to enlightenment. Thousands showed up with paints of serene forests, mountains, rivers, valleys, waterfalls, but none of these seemed to truly make the king feel the true presence of peace. Then at the very end, the very last artist displays his work, which was dark, the sky was stormy and red, and volcano's erupted as the wind blew strong. At first the king was insulted and drew breath to order the artist executed when the artist pointed to a point on the painting on one of the enraged cliffs. There, small and almost insignificant, sat a dove in a nest with chicks. Then king then realized that that painting really was the truest portrayal of peace. I'll leave you, reader, to figure out why. I'd be a fool to give up, I forgot what peace really was. I lost sense of reality. I cannot waste any more time, some things just cannot be held secret and they need to be told. I know I will be nervous, but I can never be sure I'll get another chance. Even if nothing comes from it, it may just make that person's day that much better, and that is something that cannot be held in. (2 Comments |Comment on this)